Five Films to See Just for the Hell of it!

1) SERIAL MOM. (1994)
This has always been a favourite with me, it's like a scary thriller movie gone mad. I mean it actually makes you route for the bad guy, or in this case woman and we are almost cheering when she wins!
This film is absolutely hilarious, in that it portrays a practically normal, if not slightly regimented and strict American house wife and mother gone crazy. She is against chewing gum, bad language and bad manners, but these rules have gone way over to the extreme side of things when she murders a math teacher for talking about her son chip. She squishes him with her car. She kills her daughters boyfriend because he stood her up, poker to the stomach in this case. She murders her husbands dentist and his wife because he won't treat her husbands sore tooth out of hours, air conditioning unit on the head. Oh yea, she hits an old woman over the head with a leg of meat because she didn't rewind a VHS tape and she flambes her sons friend when he fails to wear his seat belt, he does witness her kill the old woman though, so I guess he had it coming!
I almost forgot, as if killing weren't enough for this crazed house wife she needs to make obscene phone calls to her neighbour Dottie Hinkle just for something to do!
I just love this film as Kathleen Turner plays the role of serial killer Beverly Sutphin brilliantly! Don't wear white shoes after labour day around her whatever you do!



2) HOCUS POCUS. (1993)

Ok, so this film is largely based for an audience of around 12 years old, but I was 12 when I first watched this movie, I loved it then and I love it now!
Witches, Salem, black cats and salt circles, it's all here. So, it all starts back in 1693 when if you were a witch as Winifred, Mary and Sarah were, you were hanged. But come on, these three witches were taking the lives of the towns children to make themselves more young and beautiful. Never a good move if you want to get on with your neighbours! They turn a boy Thackeray Binx who is just trying to save his little sister into a cat, forever, and they put a curse on Salem vowing that they would return on all hallows eve (Halloween to you and me), when a virgin lights a candle, the 'Black Flame candle,' to be precise.
Skip on three hundred years, a stupid boy virgin lights the candle, brings the witches back and the adventure begins.
There is lots of flying on broom sticks, and vacuum cleaners, lots of spells and Thackeray Binx...yes, still a cat, joins the stupid virgin, his girlfriend and his little sister in defeating the witches.
It is hilariously funny, especially when the witches enter the house of whom they think is the devil, but is really an old geezer dressed up for the festivities, they get chased out by his wife's dog!
A brilliant performance by Bette Midler, and of course she gets to sing!



3) A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. (1984)
A psychopathic child molester, who is murdered by the children's parents has decided to terrorise the children of Elm Street. How? In their dreams of course. Freddie Krueger, who is a bit of an ugly bad guy stalks the now teenagers whilst they are sleeping and attacks them and kills them with his weapon of choice...Leather gloves with blades attached to the fingers, ouch! Watch out for the ending, can you really fit a person through that tiny hole?



4) ALIEN (1979)
Such an impressive looking monster, best alien I have ever seen in a film anyway, I mean enough of all the little green men nonsense, this is more like it.
Lt Ripley and her crew are awakened from hyper sleep by a distress signal from a strange planet, so they go and check it out. Long story short, the guy who does what everyone who is watching the film is screaming for him not to do gets a hand like alien attached to his face. It falls off after a couple of days and all seems well, until.....eeeeew, a weird looking little creature bursts through his chest cavity killing him whilst he was trying to eat his dinner. This 'little' creature grows considerably bigger very quickly and begins to pick off the crew members one by one. Until eventually only Lt Ripley remains, oh and Jonesy...her cat.



5) PREDATOR (1987)
There is a strange looking alien from another planet who enjoys nothing better than hunting and killing worthy human beings for sport. We see one such alien, or predator hunting down a team of US Army Commandos deep in the heart of a southern jungle. Arnold Schwarzenegger decides that this is not on and takes it upon himself to outsmart the predator, using mud and various traps he succeeds in killing the beast, but watch out for its ultimate secret weapon!

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

I WANT TO BOUNCE OVER A FENCE USING A TRAMPOLINE!

Starring: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

Zombies, gotta love em. Just when Shaun's life was getting a bit mundane, same old same old, what happens to liven it up?...Zombies! What are the odds?

This is a story of a fight to stay alive, and drink beer at your favourite pub, whilst zombies are attacking, although they don't move very fast do they? Shaun, the hero of this story is a normal guy who is stuck in a rut with his life. His girlfriend Liz is fed up, he shares a flat with his scrounging best mate and also with his anally retentive, always angry mate. His relationship with his mum is neglected and he spends all his free time playing video games or drinking at his favourite pub the Winchester. His day to day tasks have become so routine...wake up, have breakfast, walk to shop for a coke a cola, buy a newspaper and get bus to work, that when zombies are walking slowly through the streets eating people, he doesn't even notice!

Shaun works at an electrical goods shop where he is an ignored supervisor with nil authority. He has to be reminded to visit his mum by his step dad and to bring flowers. Oh, and he forgets his and his girlfriends anniversary. So, he tries to book a table at a restaurant after he already said he had, of course he can't...cue break up with girlfriend Liz. Shaun and Ed go on a boozy night out to take Shaun's mind off it. Zombies are about then, do they spot them...noooooo!

Meanwhile, he keeps seeing things, did that lady really eat that pigeon? And then it all starts. His anally retentive flatmate Pete shouts at them in the early hours of the morning when they are playing loud music, after their not so wild night out. Pete has a headache, and mentions that someone bit him...not that odd really...yet! Next morning, there is a girl in the yard, they mess about thinking she is drunk, you know, taking pictures and making fun, that is until she falls onto a pole, impales herself and then gets back up again! Yuck! Then, on the news it is mentioned that a situation has occurred where the dead have risen and are attacking others (you think?!), if you get bitten you will become one of them. It is advised that the only way to stop the zombies is to remove the head or destroy the brain! Nice! It also mentions that you should keep your doors and windows locked...oops. So, zombies are in the house now as idiot Ed laft the door open. Shaun and Ed attack the girl and this other guy zombie buy throwing vinyl LPs at them, not the good ones though! Then finally they take a baseball bat and whack, crush their heads! yuck!

So, a rescue mission now to save Liz and Shauns mum. They plan it all out, several times actually before heading off to Shauns mums house. Ed decides to stay outside and, em, check out Shaun's step dads Jaguar...uh oh! Shaun goes in, talks to his mum, prepares to kill his step dad Phillip as he has been bitten, but is ok at the minute, so Shaun lets him live...for now! They all scramble into the Jag, Which Ed drives, very fast. They speed off to Liz' flat, splatting a few zombies on the way! Shaun climbs up the side of the building and in through the window, after a bit of coercing, Liz and her flat mates join them. More zombie splatting, then off to... oh, his step dad has been bitten remember, so isn't he due to change...aaaah! Everybody out of the car!

Surrounded by zombies, no car and minus a step dad, the gang head off to the safest place they know...The Winchester pub! They have an adventure and Shaun even gets to bounce over a fence using a trampoline...very cool! But, did his mum get bitten? Hmmm. Pretending to be zombies the gang make their way through the undead crowd, but Shaun has to lead the zombies away as they all get spotted for being fake zombies when they start arguing in front of them.

Once in the pub, people start dying, and of course people start changing into zombies as they get bitten. Eventually only Shaun, Ed and Liz battle through the evil dead with the help of a winchester rifle...of course, the winchester pub wouldn't be the same without the gun!

This film is amazingly funny, I especially love the scene when Shaun and the gang beat the zombie pub landlord over the head with pool ques to the music 'Don't stop me now,' by Queen, very funny!

'You got red on you.' Love it!

American Pie (1999)

WHY AN APPLE PIE??? EEEEWWW!

Starring: Jason Biggs and Sean William Scott.

O dear God, where do I start and how do I talk about this film? It is soooo funny, yet sooo disgusting and cringe making that I don't know how to explain it. Oh what the hell, here goes.

This very, very funny movie is about a bunch of horny teenagers, 4 lads to be specific, who, after a series of failed dates and attempts at getting girlfriends, or just getting laid make a pact. They agree to basically do whatever it takes to get laid before their high school prom.

These guys consist of Jim (Biggs), a geeky, clumsy, over randy guy who wants that special someone, but finds it hard just talking to women. He has a crazy, yet very understanding father who always seems to walk in on him at the wrong time....scene with the tube sock! Oh dear. This guy is the reason for the title of the film, he gets down and dirty with an apple pie...don't ask! Apparently, that is what second base feels like! He eventually hooks up with Nadia, but uh oh...gets a bit too excited and it's all over before it begins! In the end, he finds a band geek to play with! 'What's my name bitch!' Very funny!

Anyway, then there is Oz. Oz is a Jock. He is a sporty guy who basically knows nothing other than sports. His nickname is Casanova as he is handsome and a chick magnet, yet he has only gone as far as second base (Yes, he is the one who tells Jim what second base feels like so you can blame him for the pie scene!). Oz changes his ways after an embarrassing moment with a college girl, and get this, he joins the choir! But wait, is this where he meets his true love? Hmmmm.

There is Kevin next. Now Kevin has a girlfriend already, but he publicly announces that he is fed up with blow jobs, oops...did he say that in front of his girlfriend? He finds out that he has never made her come and embarks on a mission to make her climax to repay the complement of all her blow jobs, oh yea and to get laid by her!

Last but not least there is Finch, this guy is a walking brain, but he has very snobby and strange habits, like going home from school at lunch time for a number two....yes, a poop. His enemies call him 'Shit Break.' So, he decides to use his brain to win over the ladies, and it does start working until he gets on the wrong side of his nemesis Stifler (Scott). Lets just say that he is forced to use the school toilets for a change!

Steve Stifler, a.k.a the 'Stiffmeister,' not part of the pact, but a major character in the film is a hot head, class clown who is popular with everyone and is famous for his parties. Yet he also has embarrassing moments with the girls, for instance he drinks a suspicious beer and pukes all over a potential lay. His mum, is deemed a M.I.L.F by the guys, and wait a minute, is that Finch getting down and dirty with her on the pool table at Stiflers house? Watch it and see!

Prom comes and goes, do the guys get laid before prom night? It would be a boring film if they didn't, but my god do they have fun along the way to achieving it! A very entertaining film, good soundtrack too! A must see!

Hannibal (2001)

NOTICED ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT CLARICE?

Starring: Anthony Hopkins and Julianne Moore.

Ok, so this is not a classic like its prequel ‘Silence of the Lambs’, in fact a lot of people don't like this film and I must admit, I had pre conceptions before I had seen it, mainly because Jodie Foster didn't play the role of Clarice. Yet I have to say, hats off to Julianne Moore, she portrays Clarice perfectly.

Sooo, what is it all about? Well, Hannibal 'the Cannibal,' Lecter has been at large for, get how crap the F.B.I is, 10 YEARS! We catch up with the almost loveable serial killer (come on, everyone likes Hannibal in a chilling type way!), in Florence, Italy. Here he goes by the alias Dr Fell (Notice he had to make sure people still called him Dr!) He lives in the library of a museum where he is trying to get the job of curator. His predecessor mysteriously disappeared!

Meanwhile, Clarice Starling is getting hung, drawn and quartered by the Bureau. Basically she is getting a telling off by the F.B.I for killing a lot of people in a drug bust that went wrong. Dr Lecter gets wind of this as her downfall becomes public. So he writes to her....So it all begins again.

Clarice Starling is assigned to the Lecter case by Paul Krendler (an idiot, corrupt agent!), to see if she can find him where obviously so many have failed. As we expected, good old Clarice tracks him down at record speed to Florence. Yet, what is this...A Florence dead beat detective by the name of Rinaldo Pazzi has recognised Dr Fell for who he is. He even checks the F.B.Is 10 most wanted list photo against Dr Fell’s picture and is satisfied that he has found the allusive monster. Yet of course, Rinaldo Pazzi is after the reward money which is a lot! So, off goes the detective to ring the number for the reward and to put their trap into action.

The person who is offering the reward for Lecter is a man by the name of Mason Verger. Now Mason is Hannibal Lecters only surviving victim. I say surviving, as yes, he is alive. Mason Verger barely has a face and he is completely paralysed. Yet, he is absolutely loaded with cash, living in a huge mansion with a servant, well a personal Dr by the name of Cordell. Mason Verger had a run in with Dr Lecter when he was being treated by him. I guess Lecter didn’t like him (as Verger is a twisted, paedophile, horrible man), so he got him drunk and gave him drugs before he made him peel his own face off....I won’t spoil it for you by telling it all.

Things get fast paced now as Rinaldo tries to catch Lecter...Ha ha ha! Then Clarice catches up with him. Mason Verger then has a go at revenge...hmmm, and Paul Krendler was rude to Clarice so Hannibal goes to tell him off! Great scenes at Krendlers house by the way, a little bit gory, but great!

There is a tender moment between Lecter and Clarice before Lecter has to split to evade capture...again! So Lecter flies off into the sunset, minus an appendage...watch it and you will understand. Good sequel!

Leon (1994)

WHY A POTTED PLANT?

Starring: Jean Reno and Natalie Portman

An Italian hitman, Leon (Reno), is the best at his game. He has earned himself a lot of money (which his boss is 'holding' for him, hmmm), yet he chooses to sleep in crummy hotel rooms, and he sleeps in the chair, not the bed. He is a loner, with only a potted Aglaonema plant for company.

We first see how good he is when he is asked to call upon the 'Fat Man,' (Guess why he is called this?) The fat man is a bad guy who has been up to no good trying to con the Italians, stupid man. So, after a glass of milk and a quick workout, Leon stealthily glides into the fat mans heavily guarded abode. He kills off most of the guards before slipping out of the shadows to grab the fat man from behind with a knife against his throat. Leon's boss says let him go, so after a warning and quite an amusing phone call, this silent assassin slithers back into the shadows and away.

Across the other side of the city, yet coincidentally next door to Leon's present address a 12 year old girl by the name of Mathilda (Portman), is sitting at the top of the stairs swinging her legs over the side. Leon actually returns home and they exchange glances and pleasantries. More than when her dad returns home as all she gets from him is a clout round the ear.

Mathilda's family is, shall we say, a little bit dodgy, slimy and rough. Her dad, who is holding some drugs for the corrupt police force has taken a little bit for himself, hoping I guess that no body will notice....wrong. Que the junky, corrupt, power crazed, Beethoven mad, Psychopathic and homicidal police officer Stansfield (Gary Oldman...his best performance I believe?!).

Mathilda is out of the building getting groceries when Stansfield and his cronies visit her family. Only after popping a pill does Stansfield even begin to talk with Mathilda's father, oh, and he doesn't like being interrupted from listening to Beethoven...don't ask why? Anyway, the meeting ends badly, it probably would have done even if the father wasn't trying to steal from the bad guys, as Stansfield is a homicidal maniac and thrives off killing. So basically, everyone dies.

Enter Mathilda, back with the shopping and trying not to react or draw attention to her self as she witnesses the carnage at her home. Stifling her sobs she walks past her door where the bad guys are still killing her family and bangs on none other than Leon's door. Leon is behind the door and has been for some time, looking through the keyhole and holding a silencer. What does he do, let this little girl in or let her die. Obviously he lets her in because this is a film about a hitman and a little girl!

So, an unexpected bond occurs between assassin a little girl and a potted plant as Leon unexpectedly and a little reluctantly becomes Mathilda's surrogate father. He teaches her the ways of an assassin and she teaches him about friendship and companionship.

Mathilda is out to avenge her brothers murder, and with Leon's help, she wants to kill Stansfield. She nearly accomplishes it by herself by going, fully loaded to Stansfields office, however she is caught by her nemesis and has a gun held to her head. But wait, Leon saves her, of course he does. He kills a few of the cronies too in the process.

I am not going to tell you the entire film as that would spoil it, but there is an amazing climax to the end of the movie when the enraged Stansfield goes a little overboard tying to exterminate the assassin that could blow his cover as a hard working police officer. He calls in everyone to advance on Leon's apartment, and I mean EVERYONE! They are kitted out in full riot gear armed with lots and lots of guns and explosives and rocket launchers!

A couple of explosions later and a few deaths later we see the courageous Mathilda walking down the street away from the wreckage, yes and the potted plant is with her. She tries to talk to Leon's boss to become a hitman, but he just laughs at her. So instead Mathilda plants the no longer potted plant and hopefully, we can only assume, branches out on her own as a hitman/woman and grows up to be a successful and stealthy assassin like her teacher, we will never know.

This film has it all. Explosions, a psycho, the hero, a damsel in distress, suspense, action, comedy and a potted plant! What more could you want?

Jaws (1975)

STAY OUT OF THE WATER YOU FOOLS!

Starring: Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfus.

What a classic, in my personal opinion it has to be Spielbergs best! So what if he called the shark a weighty turd, apparently it kept sinking whilst filming, but I bet you everyone who has ever watched a film in their life has heard of Jaws if not seen it and can probably quote lines from it...'Smile you son of a b@*ch!' Classic, classic, classic.

So, if you have lived under a rock or you are not old enough to have yet heard of the awesome film that is Jaws, I will tell you in brief what all the fuss is about.

Basically, this is your classic (sorry, I am wearing that word out a little), horror film. You have your monster, here it is a 25 foot great white shark, or in Latin Carcharadon carcharias ( just showing off...I like sharks!). Then you have all the vulnerable people who are prey for the monster, here it is all the stupid, stupid people who just keep going into the water when they know there is a shark cruising for its lunch.

Jaws is set on Amity island, which up until now was a very quiet and peaceful island that made most of it's income from the summer tourism. But ha ha, there is a rogue shark stalking the waters to shake things up a bit, it has already killed one drunk hippie which Chief Brody (Schieder) is going to have the pleasure of finding washed up in pieces on the beach.

Get this, Brody and his family moved to this island away from New York for the peaceful life and because Brody is afraid of water! We watch as Brody goes about his duties whilst trying to sound the alarm that there might be a giant predator in the waters eating the summer income and towns folk. It is only until a little boy is killed, and a dog called Pippin, but nobody cares about that, that people start to take notice. Oh, and Chief Brody gets a slap off the boys mother! Ouch.

So, a professional fisherman by the name of Quint is hired to catch the shark for $10.000. (cover your ears when he scrapes his nails down the blackboard!) Meanwhile a swimming instructor gets eaten, Chief Brody's son has a close encounter and people try to catch the shark to claim the reward that has been put on its head, or fins, for themselves.

An expert is called, que Hooper (Dreyfus), a marine biologist who specialises in sharks. He tries in vain to help Brody close the beaches, cuts open a tiger shark carcass...yuck, has a scare at night whilst looking for the rogue shark...nutter, until finally he decides to join Quint out on the Aurora (a boat) to catch the blighter. Somehow they persuade the Chief to tag along with them.

This is where the film really picks up pace. Out on the Aurora they find the shark, which for some reason decided to follow them rather than eating the towns folk, though I suppose no body is going in the water now. It follows them relentlessly, they tag it with barrels, to stop it from diving, they throw chum at it to attract its attention, they watch it from a metal cage and they sing to it...No they don't, but they might as well, because everything they do has no real effect, because the end shows the boat sinking and one of the characters dies...Gets eaten of course.

Que the classic (there's that word again), line from Brody 'Smile you son of a b@*ch!' and all is safe and well again.

This film is brilliant for the seventies, ok the shark looks a little bit plastic at times, ok all the time, but it still had a scare factor. The film did spark a number of phobias for water in many people around the world, although on a downside it also sparked an increase in shark hunting. Yet I am not going to ramble about that as that is another story, the film is awesome!!!

If you hear that dreaded music you know exactly what film it came from instantly...great!

Men in Black (1997)

THE MEXICAN WORM GUYS DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE WORMS!

Starring: Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones.

I love the concept of this movie, aliens are all around us and whats more they even look, act and dress like us. They even work in mundane, everyday jobs like the rest of us. Of course, the government know all about these aliens on earth, in fact they have a special branch to watch, monitor and regulate what happens regarding alien activity and their whereabouts on the planet. They even monitor the jobs they take and when they leave the planet, for how long, why and when they will be returning. That special department is a secret government agency of men and women cut off from society referred to only as the Men in Black.

To get you used to what the film is all about we start with Agent K (Jones) who is in the desert retiring (to put it politely) an agent who has got a little bit passed it in years and has begun to fail in carrying out his duties which we see here when an illegal alien is trying to sneak onto the planet. The illegal alien is actually dressed as a Mexican illegal alien, as in he is dressed like an illegal human immigrant...oh, you get what i mean (Ironic isn't it). Anyway, Agent K blasts the head off the alien as it charges at hi blundering partner (making a delightful gooey mess) and wipes the memories of the human witnesses with his crafty pocket neuraliser, before proceeding to wipe the memory of his partner who by now is gazing at the stars. These neuralisers are nifty, you get your memory wiped, the agent implants a new one and you are none the wiser. Cool huh? hmmm, wonder if they already exist?

Let us jump to James (Smith) an NYPD agent who is chasing a criminal across Manhattan. He manages to keep up with this REALLY fast guy by running, jumping on buses and riding on the back of trucks. He eventually catches up with this dude at the top of a building, but wait...did he just blink extra eyelids?! Spooky.

Agent K then tracks James down after catching wind of the chase with the eyelid dude and manages to recruit him, ah not that easy though. James has to go through strict government training! Lets just say he seems like the least likely choice as in the firing range he shoots through the head of a cardboard cut out of a defenseless little girl! I love the scene where he pulls the table up to his chair during a silent test, laugh out loud moment as well as being cringe worthy.

So, obviously Smith is hired or his part in the film would be very brief! James cuts out all ties to his life and becomes Agent J. He dons his black uniform, has his fingerprints burnt off and is assigned as Agent K's partner. Their first mission together is hunting down a HUGE cockroach who is stalking Manhattan. This thing breezes onto Earth killing aliens left right and centre whilst looking for what can only be described as a marble but which is actually a galaxy, although it could start a galactic war if this cockroach thing gets a hold of it. Phew, huge responsibility then to stop it! First mission, save planet Earth!

Excellent computer graphics, the aliens look amazing and real. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones work SO well together as their mix of cool, quirky, calm and complacent really get you hooked in the characters adventure. This film is absolutely excellent, I especially love the cockroach trying to blend in to society by squeezing its huge body into a human suit... a guy called Edgar, therefore its an Edgar suit. His wife looked a little shocked when he walked in with his skin hanging off his bones!

Oh yea, sorry, am i rambling? Anyway, watch out for the Noisy Cricket! Probably the most powerful yet tiniest gun you will ever see! Funny film!