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WHY A POTTED PLANT?Starring: Jean Reno and Natalie Portman
An Italian hitman, Leon (Reno), is the best at his game. He has earned himself a lot of money (which his boss is 'holding' for him, hmmm), yet he chooses to sleep in crummy hotel rooms, and he sleeps in the chair, not the bed. He is a loner, with only a potted Aglaonema plant for company.
We first see how good he is when he is asked to call upon the 'Fat Man,' (Guess why he is called this?) The fat man is a bad guy who has been up to no good trying to con the Italians, stupid man. So, after a glass of milk and a quick workout, Leon stealthily glides into the fat mans heavily guarded abode. He kills off most of the guards before slipping out of the shadows to grab the fat man from behind with a knife against his throat. Leon's boss says let him go, so after a warning and quite an amusing phone call, this silent assassin slithers back into the shadows and away.
Across the other side of the city, yet coincidentally next door to Leon's present address a 12 year old girl by the name of Mathilda (Portman), is sitting at the top of the stairs swinging her legs over the side. Leon actually returns home and they exchange glances and pleasantries. More than when her dad returns home as all she gets from him is a clout round the ear.
Mathilda's family is, shall we say, a little bit dodgy, slimy and rough. Her dad, who is holding some drugs for the corrupt police force has taken a little bit for himself, hoping I guess that no body will notice....wrong. Que the junky, corrupt, power crazed, Beethoven mad, Psychopathic and homicidal police officer Stansfield (Gary Oldman...his best performance I believe?!).
Mathilda is out of the building getting groceries when Stansfield and his cronies visit her family. Only after popping a pill does Stansfield even begin to talk with Mathilda's father, oh, and he doesn't like being interrupted from listening to Beethoven...don't ask why? Anyway, the meeting ends badly, it probably would have done even if the father wasn't trying to steal from the bad guys, as Stansfield is a homicidal maniac and thrives off killing. So basically, everyone dies.
Enter Mathilda, back with the shopping and trying not to react or draw attention to her self as she witnesses the carnage at her home. Stifling her sobs she walks past her door where the bad guys are still killing her family and bangs on none other than Leon's door. Leon is behind the door and has been for some time, looking through the keyhole and holding a silencer. What does he do, let this little girl in or let her die. Obviously he lets her in because this is a film about a hitman and a little girl!
So, an unexpected bond occurs between assassin a little girl and a potted plant as Leon unexpectedly and a little reluctantly becomes Mathilda's surrogate father. He teaches her the ways of an assassin and she teaches him about friendship and companionship.
Mathilda is out to avenge her brothers murder, and with Leon's help, she wants to kill Stansfield. She nearly accomplishes it by herself by going, fully loaded to Stansfields office, however she is caught by her nemesis and has a gun held to her head. But wait, Leon saves her, of course he does. He kills a few of the cronies too in the process.
I am not going to tell you the entire film as that would spoil it, but there is an amazing climax to the end of the movie when the enraged Stansfield goes a little overboard tying to exterminate the assassin that could blow his cover as a hard working police officer. He calls in everyone to advance on Leon's apartment, and I mean EVERYONE! They are kitted out in full riot gear armed with lots and lots of guns and explosives and rocket launchers!
A couple of explosions later and a few deaths later we see the courageous Mathilda walking down the street away from the wreckage, yes and the potted plant is with her. She tries to talk to Leon's boss to become a hitman, but he just laughs at her. So instead Mathilda plants the no longer potted plant and hopefully, we can only assume, branches out on her own as a hitman/woman and grows up to be a successful and stealthy assassin like her teacher, we will never know.
This film has it all. Explosions, a psycho, the hero, a damsel in distress, suspense, action, comedy and a potted plant! What more could you want?
STAY OUT OF THE WATER YOU FOOLS!
Starring: Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfus.
What a classic, in my personal opinion it has to be Spielbergs best! So what if he called the shark a weighty turd, apparently it kept sinking whilst filming, but I bet you everyone who has ever watched a film in their life has heard of Jaws if not seen it and can probably quote lines from it...'Smile you son of a b@*ch!' Classic, classic, classic.
So, if you have lived under a rock or you are not old enough to have yet heard of the awesome film that is Jaws, I will tell you in brief what all the fuss is about.
Basically, this is your classic (sorry, I am wearing that word out a little), horror film. You have your monster, here it is a 25 foot great white shark, or in Latin Carcharadon carcharias ( just showing off...I like sharks!). Then you have all the vulnerable people who are prey for the monster, here it is all the stupid, stupid people who just keep going into the water when they know there is a shark cruising for its lunch.
Jaws is set on Amity island, which up until now was a very quiet and peaceful island that made most of it's income from the summer tourism. But ha ha, there is a rogue shark stalking the waters to shake things up a bit, it has already killed one drunk hippie which Chief Brody (Schieder) is going to have the pleasure of finding washed up in pieces on the beach.
Get this, Brody and his family moved to this island away from New York for the peaceful life and because Brody is afraid of water! We watch as Brody goes about his duties whilst trying to sound the alarm that there might be a giant predator in the waters eating the summer income and towns folk. It is only until a little boy is killed, and a dog called Pippin, but nobody cares about that, that people start to take notice. Oh, and Chief Brody gets a slap off the boys mother! Ouch.
So, a professional fisherman by the name of Quint is hired to catch the shark for $10.000. (cover your ears when he scrapes his nails down the blackboard!) Meanwhile a swimming instructor gets eaten, Chief Brody's son has a close encounter and people try to catch the shark to claim the reward that has been put on its head, or fins, for themselves.
An expert is called, que Hooper (Dreyfus), a marine biologist who specialises in sharks. He tries in vain to help Brody close the beaches, cuts open a tiger shark carcass...yuck, has a scare at night whilst looking for the rogue shark...nutter, until finally he decides to join Quint out on the Aurora (a boat) to catch the blighter. Somehow they persuade the Chief to tag along with them.
This is where the film really picks up pace. Out on the Aurora they find the shark, which for some reason decided to follow them rather than eating the towns folk, though I suppose no body is going in the water now. It follows them relentlessly, they tag it with barrels, to stop it from diving, they throw chum at it to attract its attention, they watch it from a metal cage and they sing to it...No they don't, but they might as well, because everything they do has no real effect, because the end shows the boat sinking and one of the characters dies...Gets eaten of course.
Que the classic (there's that word again), line from Brody 'Smile you son of a b@*ch!' and all is safe and well again.
This film is brilliant for the seventies, ok the shark looks a little bit plastic at times, ok all the time, but it still had a scare factor. The film did spark a number of phobias for water in many people around the world, although on a downside it also sparked an increase in shark hunting. Yet I am not going to ramble about that as that is another story, the film is awesome!!!
If you hear that dreaded music you know exactly what film it came from instantly...great!
THE MEXICAN WORM GUYS DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE WORMS!Starring: Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones.
I love the concept of this movie, aliens are all around us and whats more they even look, act and dress like us. They even work in mundane, everyday jobs like the rest of us. Of course, the government know all about these aliens on earth, in fact they have a special branch to watch, monitor and regulate what happens regarding alien activity and their whereabouts on the planet. They even monitor the jobs they take and when they leave the planet, for how long, why and when they will be returning. That special department is a secret government agency of men and women cut off from society referred to only as the Men in Black.
To get you used to what the film is all about we start with Agent K (Jones) who is in the desert retiring (to put it politely) an agent who has got a little bit passed it in years and has begun to fail in carrying out his duties which we see here when an illegal alien is trying to sneak onto the planet. The illegal alien is actually dressed as a Mexican illegal alien, as in he is dressed like an illegal human immigrant...oh, you get what i mean (Ironic isn't it). Anyway, Agent K blasts the head off the alien as it charges at hi blundering partner (making a delightful gooey mess) and wipes the memories of the human witnesses with his crafty pocket neuraliser, before proceeding to wipe the memory of his partner who by now is gazing at the stars. These neuralisers are nifty, you get your memory wiped, the agent implants a new one and you are none the wiser. Cool huh? hmmm, wonder if they already exist?
Let us jump to James (Smith) an NYPD agent who is chasing a criminal across Manhattan. He manages to keep up with this REALLY fast guy by running, jumping on buses and riding on the back of trucks. He eventually catches up with this dude at the top of a building, but wait...did he just blink extra eyelids?! Spooky.
Agent K then tracks James down after catching wind of the chase with the eyelid dude and manages to recruit him, ah not that easy though. James has to go through strict government training! Lets just say he seems like the least likely choice as in the firing range he shoots through the head of a cardboard cut out of a defenseless little girl! I love the scene where he pulls the table up to his chair during a silent test, laugh out loud moment as well as being cringe worthy.
So, obviously Smith is hired or his part in the film would be very brief! James cuts out all ties to his life and becomes Agent J. He dons his black uniform, has his fingerprints burnt off and is assigned as Agent K's partner. Their first mission together is hunting down a HUGE cockroach who is stalking Manhattan. This thing breezes onto Earth killing aliens left right and centre whilst looking for what can only be described as a marble but which is actually a galaxy, although it could start a galactic war if this cockroach thing gets a hold of it. Phew, huge responsibility then to stop it! First mission, save planet Earth!
Excellent computer graphics, the aliens look amazing and real. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones work SO well together as their mix of cool, quirky, calm and complacent really get you hooked in the characters adventure. This film is absolutely excellent, I especially love the cockroach trying to blend in to society by squeezing its huge body into a human suit... a guy called Edgar, therefore its an Edgar suit. His wife looked a little shocked when he walked in with his skin hanging off his bones!
Oh yea, sorry, am i rambling? Anyway, watch out for the Noisy Cricket! Probably the most powerful yet tiniest gun you will ever see! Funny film!
KEEP HIM AWAY FROM PEANUT M&M'S!Starring: Rowan Atkinson and Peter Nichols
I don't get how this massive mistake could happen, and then how in the name of all that is holy does he get away with it! I digress, let me start from the very beginning...
Mr Bean (Atkinson) is asleep in the Royal National gallery in England when he is supposed to be doing his job. He is the caretaker, but not a very good one at best. The big boss dudes want him out and are all agreed to fire him when the head suddenly announces that he is very fond of Mr Bean actually and will do no such thing as fire him as he has been nothing but loyal bla de blah. So, cunningly, the boss dudes decide to send him to L.A, yep, they are going to let U.S.A deal with him. A Los Angeles art gallery have requested a British scholar to come and talk about the famous painting 'Whistlers Mother,' at an unveiling. So what do they do, you guessed it in one, they send Bean under the guise of Art Scholar...The scene is set.
Oh dear, that pretty much sums it up. We have an eccentric nutcase loose in L.A in the family home of David Langley (Peter Nichols), who works at the L.A gallery and whose job is on the line.
Bean manages to befriend the son of the family, but seems to enrage all the other members. Then, he goes to work with David....All hell breaks loose! Excellent bathroom scene though! I cringe when the boss walks in and catches him.
So, basically, Bean overstays his welcome, Davids wife and kids move out on the orders of Beans removal from the house....Somehow, Bean manages to create destruction, and yes, the painting is involved. David turns to booze for comfort, and everything looks very bad. And only then does he blow up the microwave trying to cook a turkey for Davids boss!
Feeling very guilty at what he has done, Bean begins to dwell. Until, a light bulb goes ping in his head. He sets off under the cover of darkness to the gallery armed with eggs, laxatives, underpants, a torch and a hairdryer. He gets there on a skateboard of all things and puts his plan into action to make right what he made spectacularly wrong.
I just wet myself with laughter every time i watch this film. There are scenes that just make you sore you laugh that much. He always manages to make things right after getting into weird situations, how is this? Like at the hospital when he saves the life of Davids daughter (by accident of course!) Or in the operating theatre! (Don't ask!) He is and will forever be an enigma, But he is British and you have got to love him!
Watch it...it is incredibly funny, cheesy and down right enjoyable! Laugh out Loud humour.
I NEVER THOUGHT SUPER GLUE WAS THAT SUPER!
Starring: Kevin Mckidd and Emma Cleasby
Neil Marshall, what a genius! He knows what suspense means, but this horror also contains a hint of black humour, which is always fun.
This film used to scare the begeebers out of me until i watched it for about the 10th time. But, it also makes me laugh hysterically in places too, for instance the intoxicated 'Sarge,' spider women and almost everything that comes out of 'Spoons,' mouth! '
What is the film about then? WEREWOLVES! Lots and lots of werewolves, well a whole family anyway. We begin with a squad of soldiers who are on a training exercise, or so they think, in a Scottish forest in the middle of nowhere (of course!) Anyway, their training exercise turns into a rescue operation after they bump into a massacred special operations squad. They meet a pack of werewolves (they can't really see them properly yet and haven't a clue what they are), who stalk them and the surviving spec opps member, Ryan, through the forest. Enter our only women in the film, Megan. She comes to the rescue of our heroes in her land rover after apparantly hearing their gunshots, so she very kindly and fortunately helps them all to her 'friends,' cottage (which is situated, you guessed it...in the middle of nowhere).
So, here we are, a bunch of soldiers, their wounded Sergeant and Ryan in a strangers house. They now have to defend themselves against the pack who wait very patiently outside. A few near misses occur as well as a few casualties. We get to understand a little bit more what the hell is going on, and our hate for Ryan grows deeper. Then, after a major surgical operation and a spectacular recovery, the bullets run low for our heroes, as does the hot water and frying pans. Time for a plan of action. But wait, a twist, more deaths and some bloody good special effects! A few mega explosions later and some intense praying for daylight we see what is left of the house and the survivors that walk away. (I'd be running away very fast and making sure i got out of that damn forest before it gets dark again!)
I love this film, it is intense from the very word go and never stops delivering the chills!
